I resolve...

I don't generally make resolutions - I just end up breaking them and feel bad that I did. So I haven't done it in decades. However, in honor of my entry into 2009 as the "celestial favorite" since I'm Aquarius, I thought I'd give it a stab some 20 years later.

I resolve:

• to be more appreciative of what I have
• to help others more now that I'm getting settled (made a good start tonight for a couple burned out on Christmas Eve)
• to re-focus on using "Love and Logic" with my children
• to accept others as they are and find a way to have a relationship with them even if it is difficult to do (this will be a tough one)
• to excel at my job, pursue my main interests into a viable side business and help launch a particular project launch to which I'm fully committed to see succeed.
• to figure out all this twitter stuff - I'm not a very good twitterer so far but I'm trying!
• to smoke less, drink better (craft beer sampling exclusively), and quit staying up so late
• to walk more, get back into yoga (that DVD sitting on top of the TV can't stay there ALL year!)
• to save money in an emergency fund and set up another account for taking the children camping in UT and to Disneyworld
• to be more patient, accept I can't control everything, and continue to grow and deepen the intimacy in my relationships with loved ones
• to bake more cookies with the children and loosen some of the apron strings outside the kitchen
• to write more, take lampworking and wirework classes, and further my knowledge and involvement in all my interests outside of family, work and friends
• to camp as much as possible with my children and my friends (this only applies when it's less than 80 degrees;)
• to design, plan, prepare, save and buy materials for one really big, badass beading project and get it started!
• to do the 27 fling boogie WAY more often, de-clutter and re-organize (see, this is why I don't make resolutions anymore...I have the best of intentions)
• to write more thank-you notes, I-love-you notes and notes of encouragement
• to continue to write (when the spirit moves me) long handwritten letters to people who are important/have been important and let them know what I love about them, how important they are to me and how I appreciate them in specific ways
• to figure out where I want to be in 5 years and develop a plan to get there
• to indulge in at least 2 full body massages this year
• to light more candles and put on relaxing music at least one night a month (I had week on there but I have to be at least somewhat realistic)
• to learn everything I can about beer, music, recording, artist promotion, non-profits, and my own little business
• to not be afraid to invest in myself
• to learn to use my new camera and shoot photos the way I see them in my head
• to fall in love every single day with life, my children, my friends, with every moment and exhaust it as it falls into the next moment of love
• to take an art class, even a short one - say at Hobby Lobby, just to see if I'm as bad as I remember;)
• to scrapbook my children's lives and my sister's wedding
• to take at least one pleasure getaway with my SO that isn't camping
• to fold my laundry when it comes out of the dryer every time instead of waiting because I'm in the middle of something else
• to explore - always experiencing a sense of wonder, wide-eyed excitement and curiousity - to be fully present and connected
• to drink more milk, eat more salad and get back to "slow food"
• to recycle more than I did this year
• to finally succeed at producing one tomato minimum, grown solely by moi
• to figure out the pasta mystery
• to take a cooler full of lunches to my homeless guys downtown one afternoon - I miss them
• to love, trust, laugh, show deep compassion and love more - always...

And to think this is just the beginning - my luck is changing and my life is too. Every day is a new beginning. Life will manifest itself in ways I may not understand but I must trust that it will blossom when, like the plant, it's needs are met and the time is right.

Happy New Year and for my German friends - "Ich wunsche Euch einen Guten Rutsch ins Neues Jahr!"

Shooting star...

I just saw the most amazing shooting star. It was as if it landed right behind my fence it was so close! The most whitest, purest, essence of light I have ever seen in my life. I was thinking about Aidan (a young man that lived two doors down from me, died tragically in an accidental shooting today or yesterday) and looked up - there it was. When I lived in Austria years ago, I was outside one evening with Billiana (Slavic wife of an Austrian teacher I worked with) and we saw a shooting star together. She said it was the belief in her country that another soul had gone to heaven. *smiles* And I think she was right.

A partner that believes is truly a partner...

I read an article this evening about relationships, the economy and the like. It resonated with me on a number of issues but this was a nugget:

"The Fed may be lowering interest rates, but what we need now is to develop higher rates of appreciation for each other. During times of panic, it’s all too easy to get down on yourself. That’s why you have each other. When you’re in a relationship it’s not you against the world, it’s us against the world, and sometimes just knowing that your partner believes in you is all it takes to change the world. And isn’t that we need now more than ever?"

I am lucky enough to have people in my life, including my children, that believe in me. When I start to falter (and I do get overwhelmed by life) I have these loving people to ground me and center me. I am blessed.

Welcome to the night...

This is the time of day when I have the most quiet and often mull over the day's events or ponder the little things that have been niggling around in the back of my head for awhile. I begin this particular journey as a source of discovery about myself and think this may be an efficient way to step back and observe my thoughts over time. I seek to improve who I am and understand the impact I have on my own thought processes.I am, in a sense, a fish out of water - far from where I spent all my adult life, in a place I loved.

My life has changed in countless ways, some tragically, over the last years. At the same time I still believe that every cloud does indeed have a silver lining and trials and tribulations enable you the opportunity to learn so much about yourself and the people you love and that love you.

I know that without the depth of sorrows I have experienced in life, I couldn't experience the incredible joy that I have been blessed with as well. With each difficult situation or trying circumstance, I have the opportunity to grow as a person.

It may not feel much like growing at the time...often it only feels like treading water or swimming upstream (sometimes plumb fighting for your life), but in the end, with some perspective, I can eventually see the beauty emerge from the trial I survived and when I lift myself up I find myself a little stronger, a little wiser, and more appreciative of the blessings in my life.

Fear, Ego, and the Spark of the Divine

A dear friend sent me an interview with Carlos Santana from Guitar Player magazine's Dec. 2008 issue. In it was lots of food for thought. The following got me thinking and I concur.

"Fear only has one agenda—to negate your beauty and your truth. Ego only has one agenda—to create death, destruction, and failure. That's the only function of the ego. We should compliment it, because at least it's predictable. E-g-o stands for "Etch God Out." But even an atheist can understand the need for wonderment. You don't have to believe in God. God believes in you. God could not care less if you call him Buddha, Allah, Jesus, or Krishna. The best part of you—that's what God is, and it is in all of us. It's called the spark of the divine."

Carlos Santana, Guitar Player magazine Dec. 2008

Agreed.

Fitting in...

I've always been just a little bit different. Maybe it is because I lived abroad during the early years of my life. Maybe it was the way my parents raised me. Maybe it was the innate curiosity of all things that were as different as I was. I just always knew I was different than everyone else. Sure, we are all different from one another but there are some of us that are always a little on the outskirts of all out acceptance - we are...quirky...perhaps.

I remember experiencing out of place in 3rd grade. Everyone had a chance to bring in something for show-and-tell. I took great pains to find something that said something about who I was and yet was interesting for others. I painstakingly chose a small display plate, cream in color with dark sepia picture of an aboriginal boy on it. A kookaburra sat in a gum tree off to the side. The young man wore a loin cloth but it didn't cover his bum. You can see it emerging, can't you? I lived in Australia for 4.5 years as a young girl and was proud of that. It never occurred to me that the fact that this innocent little child on my plate was anything other than that - an innocent child that represented the original inhabitants of Australia. I just wanted the chance to share a part of what makes me who I am and maybe connect with others in my class if by chance they might find it interesting. So I wrapped it in tissue and tucked it in my school items for show-and-tell.

I remember being in tears going down the hall. The children were calling me a "nasty" girl. To them, I was "dirty". I'd never experienced such taunting. I just didn't understand it - for one, there was nothing nasty about it and two, that people could treat each other like that. I have carried that memory with me. Partly as a badge of courage for sticking up for myself which I did (with tears, but I did it) but also as a reminder that others perceive things differently than I do. I was raised with an open acceptance of others - culture, tradition, language. I thrived on that and still do - I find it exciting! But again, I was a little bit different.

Today I had an interesting conversation with a dear co-worker about fitting in at work. I have always found common ground with anyone I come in contact with. Some take a little more digging than others but you can always find something to connect with someone on some level. Even though I have done this at my job, it isn't always reciprocated - therein lies the lesson for the adults. Just because you try and succeed at fitting in on some level - when the perception of differences are coming from the other side and they matter to them, sometimes you just don't fit in.

I am not sorry for that. I get along with most everyone and most everyone finds me genuinely likeable. But I doubt there will be a day when manicures, designer clothing, trimmings and trappings, what kind of car I drive and where I dine will ever be as important to me as to some of my "superiors" at the office. I don't vacation in the Bahamas, Las Vegas or Disneyland. I'd like to perhaps some day but I went camping for 4 days two weeks ago and I was pretty excited about it! I will not cross the street early to avoid interaction with the homeless people by the library. I may, in fact, and often times do cross precisely there so I CAN have an interaction with them. I thought for awhile that maybe I was just trying to bring a smile to them - now I'm wondering if it isn't really the other way around. Sometimes, I wonder if I'd rather hang out with them than be in the office with my co-workers. I'm sure I'd find some interesting thing about them to connect with...and maybe they, with me.

Mommy...I need...

The cry of "Mommeeeeee" often comes from another room. I never know what I'll find when I go running in. It could be the boys bludgeoning each other with tubes of wrapping paper they snuck out of the closet or maybe the call is for me to get the bug/spider/scorpion out of the bedroom/bathroom/living room. Sometimes one of them has the other one's book that they were "just about to read". Other times it's blood dripping from (insert name of 'body part of the week' here). One thing for sure, it's never boring.

Occasionally it's less about crises but more about getting your attention for something important to ask or share. The call of "Mommy" comes from the bedroom at night. "What happens when we die? Will it hurt?" It comes from a hike in the woods, "Mommy, come see this cool beetle. I'm taking it home with me!" Um, yeah. And sometimes, as is the case with my youngest, it's the simple sense of knowing I'm there with him. "Mommy?" "Yes?", I answer. "Mommy, I love you." I smile every time and say, "I love you too, Sweetie - more than anything."

Last night the call of "Mommy" showed up with a face of tears. When asked what was wrong, his sweet little voice choked, "Mommy, why do we spend some of our precious moments in bed?" He then threw himself on me and wept, wanting to be held and cuddled to know it was all good. We had a little talk about all the different "precious moments" we share all the time. It can be as simple as singing a song together, the three of us. It can be holding hands and walking back from the playground, watching the sunset and marveling at all the colors. It is the giggling that accompanies proud smiles and cries of "You did it" when they swim on their own for the first time.

Sometimes it's just watching them play with sticks, seaweed and string while "fishing" at the campground lake. It can just be snuggling in bed on a Saturday morning when they pile in to be close and we giggle while trying to move around and find enough space for us all to be comfortable. Special moments take many different shapes and fashions. It's the three of us having a "laundry folding party" (hey, if you want help - you gotta make it fun!) and throwing balled up pairs of socks at each other amid much laughter or maneuvering in the kitchen as we all try to bake together.

Tonight, my oldest told me casually as he was getting out of the shower, "Mommy, I need you to squeeze the puss out of the bump on my bottom." I, without flinching say, "Sure, just get dried off and dressed and then I'll take a look." Puss? Bump on bottom? Where in the parenting manual does this get covered? Ick! But then I think back to last night and think, precious moments come in all shapes and fashions. One day, this will all be over and with any justice in the world they'll be dealing with the same question from their little one. Precious moments...sure, really...I think. Yeah...they are.

Who Am I?

So many facets - so many feelings. I am, at times, just not sure - I only know that I love the people in my life fiercely and deeply.

I am the little girl that spent holidays at the beach in South America when my family lived in Lima, Peru. It was not more than a simple building with no window panes. I remember a black swimsuit with white flowers and my father with brown hair. I think we walked in the water to harvest lobster but that's quite fuzzy. I just know that I love the water, the waves, the sounds and it resonates in my soul.

I'm the child that complained about always having to go on "nature walks" with my mother and then ended up living in Alaska self-studying plants, harvesting and preparing wild edibles (not to mention hundreds of jars of jelly!).

I am the little girl that pretended she was Laura Ingalls Wilder in Little House on the Prarie when I picked dewberries. If I didn't pick enough berries, my family would go hungry. That's probably the only reason there were enough to make cobbler with, they sure were yummy!

I am the want-to-be young woman that graduated high school at 17 and left for a year to live in Germany. I experienced excitement, history, independence, culture, self-reliance, adaptability, and how to live life to the fullest!

I am the little girl that carried an orange bag with a green frog applique that had books. I wanted to read as I was being tugged along the halls of the airport and stubbornly sat down and proceeded to read in the middle of the passageway.

I was the young woman that begged for the Alaska assignment thinking I could drive on the "Alaska Marine Highway" to all the little villages. Ha! I'm also the one that fell in love with the land - I hiked, I fished, I camped...I moved a month later and stayed 17 years.

I am the young child that didn't understand all the hubbub when I held hands with the sweetest little Aborigine boy and went exploring at the creek behind the house of a birthday party I attended when I lived in Australia.

I am the child, the young-woman and now a mother that loves to picnic!

I still love the feel of sand between my toes.

I am Girl Scout, a college graduate, a mother of two beautiful boys.

I am a young woman that dodged the KGB in Russia;)

I am also the woman that slept under the stairs on the ferry to Greece.

I am the person that remembers names or faces but rarely both at the same time.

I am the girl that at 13 got her headgear stuck on a trip to Oklahoma and had to have all my food either blended or be soup and suck it through a straw.

I was a long distance swimmer and center (or "hole") for water polo.

I love God's light, clouds, and hummingbirds.

I despise roaches, they creep me out - esp. those flying ones.

I am a survivor of dark times and of the deepest wounds.

Yet, I can experience joy reverberating through my body as if it were electricity!

I can endure, create, survive and eliminate chaos. I can also find peace from within when I focus.

I can be alone and like the company I keep.

I still love the sound of the ocean.

I am good at small talk and the "grip and grin" but don't always enjoy it - let's get down to the heart of who we are and make deep connections. I want to feel and experience your essence...not the business sense of who you think you are.

I LOVE brainstorming and being passionate about projects/ideas/theories.

I don't feel my age. Though, honestly, there are some moments...

I don't split my oreos when I eat them - I dip them in milk and then take a bite.

I still love to feel the grass under my bare feet. In fact I prefer to be barefoot all the time.

I wrote the President when I was in elementary about billboards covering up the beauty of the land, they sent a letter and a "Keep America Beautiful" kit.

I helped design a billboard this year. I still don't like them.

I am so sentimental and I cry at all Hallmark commercials and the coffee commercials where families wake up and someone they love is home.

I like peace and harmony.

I am a certified beer judge - and studied hard for it!

I am the little girl that remembers clear as day, my father (an engineer) teaching my brother and I how to make a kite from scratch.

I grew up in a house where we ate dinner together, with all the familial passion: fights/laughing/communication.

I love when my children crawl in bed with me and snuggle close. There isn't anything better in life than to know you are needed and loved in return.

I still love to watch the sun set and the sun rise.

I love talking until all hours about nothing and everything.

I just love...