Welcome to the night...

This is the time of day when I have the most quiet and often mull over the day's events or ponder the little things that have been niggling around in the back of my head for awhile. I begin this particular journey as a source of discovery about myself and think this may be an efficient way to step back and observe my thoughts over time. I seek to improve who I am and understand the impact I have on my own thought processes.I am, in a sense, a fish out of water - far from where I spent all my adult life, in a place I loved.

My life has changed in countless ways, some tragically, over the last years. At the same time I still believe that every cloud does indeed have a silver lining and trials and tribulations enable you the opportunity to learn so much about yourself and the people you love and that love you.

I know that without the depth of sorrows I have experienced in life, I couldn't experience the incredible joy that I have been blessed with as well. With each difficult situation or trying circumstance, I have the opportunity to grow as a person.

It may not feel much like growing at the time...often it only feels like treading water or swimming upstream (sometimes plumb fighting for your life), but in the end, with some perspective, I can eventually see the beauty emerge from the trial I survived and when I lift myself up I find myself a little stronger, a little wiser, and more appreciative of the blessings in my life.

Fear, Ego, and the Spark of the Divine

A dear friend sent me an interview with Carlos Santana from Guitar Player magazine's Dec. 2008 issue. In it was lots of food for thought. The following got me thinking and I concur.

"Fear only has one agenda—to negate your beauty and your truth. Ego only has one agenda—to create death, destruction, and failure. That's the only function of the ego. We should compliment it, because at least it's predictable. E-g-o stands for "Etch God Out." But even an atheist can understand the need for wonderment. You don't have to believe in God. God believes in you. God could not care less if you call him Buddha, Allah, Jesus, or Krishna. The best part of you—that's what God is, and it is in all of us. It's called the spark of the divine."

Carlos Santana, Guitar Player magazine Dec. 2008

Agreed.

Fitting in...

I've always been just a little bit different. Maybe it is because I lived abroad during the early years of my life. Maybe it was the way my parents raised me. Maybe it was the innate curiosity of all things that were as different as I was. I just always knew I was different than everyone else. Sure, we are all different from one another but there are some of us that are always a little on the outskirts of all out acceptance - we are...quirky...perhaps.

I remember experiencing out of place in 3rd grade. Everyone had a chance to bring in something for show-and-tell. I took great pains to find something that said something about who I was and yet was interesting for others. I painstakingly chose a small display plate, cream in color with dark sepia picture of an aboriginal boy on it. A kookaburra sat in a gum tree off to the side. The young man wore a loin cloth but it didn't cover his bum. You can see it emerging, can't you? I lived in Australia for 4.5 years as a young girl and was proud of that. It never occurred to me that the fact that this innocent little child on my plate was anything other than that - an innocent child that represented the original inhabitants of Australia. I just wanted the chance to share a part of what makes me who I am and maybe connect with others in my class if by chance they might find it interesting. So I wrapped it in tissue and tucked it in my school items for show-and-tell.

I remember being in tears going down the hall. The children were calling me a "nasty" girl. To them, I was "dirty". I'd never experienced such taunting. I just didn't understand it - for one, there was nothing nasty about it and two, that people could treat each other like that. I have carried that memory with me. Partly as a badge of courage for sticking up for myself which I did (with tears, but I did it) but also as a reminder that others perceive things differently than I do. I was raised with an open acceptance of others - culture, tradition, language. I thrived on that and still do - I find it exciting! But again, I was a little bit different.

Today I had an interesting conversation with a dear co-worker about fitting in at work. I have always found common ground with anyone I come in contact with. Some take a little more digging than others but you can always find something to connect with someone on some level. Even though I have done this at my job, it isn't always reciprocated - therein lies the lesson for the adults. Just because you try and succeed at fitting in on some level - when the perception of differences are coming from the other side and they matter to them, sometimes you just don't fit in.

I am not sorry for that. I get along with most everyone and most everyone finds me genuinely likeable. But I doubt there will be a day when manicures, designer clothing, trimmings and trappings, what kind of car I drive and where I dine will ever be as important to me as to some of my "superiors" at the office. I don't vacation in the Bahamas, Las Vegas or Disneyland. I'd like to perhaps some day but I went camping for 4 days two weeks ago and I was pretty excited about it! I will not cross the street early to avoid interaction with the homeless people by the library. I may, in fact, and often times do cross precisely there so I CAN have an interaction with them. I thought for awhile that maybe I was just trying to bring a smile to them - now I'm wondering if it isn't really the other way around. Sometimes, I wonder if I'd rather hang out with them than be in the office with my co-workers. I'm sure I'd find some interesting thing about them to connect with...and maybe they, with me.